Where Are You Now?

 

Four hundred and four is my least favorite number. Especially when it is preceded by “Error.” Even more especially when it is followed by “Page not found.”

I finally felt the itch about a month ago. I was flirting with the idea of sharing myself on the internet again. I typed in my site address and was floored to see that eversoroco.com was gone. Like gone gone. Like didn’t-pay-my-hosting-and-now-my-database-is-deleted gone. I still owned the rights to my url, but all of my content, rich with stories and amateur photos, was gone. 

Sitting in front of the monitor, feeling as lost as my blog, I was at the crux of the most bona fide identity crisis I’d ever experienced. A blogger with a dormant blog is still a blogger. A blogger with no blog is nothing.

This space had been my worst kept secret. It could easily be found if one knew to look, but to my everyday acquaintance, it was a secret superpower that I could pull from my pocket any time. It was my defining quality. And without it, I felt …normal. I texted Yetti my SOS (just like old times) and waited to find out if I would ever be myself again. We had three weeks to recover, rewrite, or give up altogether on my site. 

I am writing now under the heft of my weighted blanket (thanks Tay!), feeling like a fawn on new legs. It has been 639 days since I last posted in this space. My sentences feel choppy, the words clumpy and mismatched. My fingers don’t fall on the keyboard as gracefully as before, and I’m not sure I still have what it takes to keep people reading. 

But I’m here. And considering the many places I’ve been in those 639 days, here is ideal.  

I’ve set foot in Bali, Malaysia, Cuba, and Mexico. I’ve rested in Maui and worked in La Romana. I’ve felt the warmth of the Pacific, and the chill of death. I’ve knelt by a hospice bed and stood by a murderer.  I’ve been under the influence, and over my healing process. I’ve let my projects pile up, and my prayers go unuttered. I’ve traced my mother’s cracked skull and drawn a line around my peace.  I am a woman full circle, at a hopeful beginning once again. 

At this juncture of my 20’s and 30’s, creativity wins. My soul wins. I’ve swam up to the banks and driven my elbows deep into the mud. I will not drown. I am back. I am here.

I’ve missed you all so much. Leave a comment here or on my Insta and tell me where YOU are now! 

Xo, 

Roco