Two Very Scary Words

Originally posted via my newsletter The B-Side, Track 9: Two Very Scary Words

Here’s the thing, I don’t get bored. Gram once (or twice, or a million times) told me that only boring people get bored. And she was right. There is always something to do. My mind is always busy. My spirit is always restless with creative connections. But on Tuesday, I took a deep breath, placed my palms flat on my desk, and finally said one of the most frightening combinations of words in the Roco lexicon: I’m bored.

It wasn’t that simple boredom: boredom with work, or with my commute, or with my volunteer duties.
It was that dangerous boredom. The apathetic kind. The kind where you know there are things to do, you just don’t care enough to do them. The kind where, no matter how badly you want to engage, you can’t. The kind that’s like flicking a Bic in the wind, begging for a light to ignite. The kind that, for me, is a sure side effect of depression.

I was furious with myself. Here I was, in the midst of planting crazy wild seeds for 2016 and beyond. Here I was making tiny decisions that will change the course of my life. Here I was being excited about my future, and I had the nerve to start feeling depressed.

I’m an undercover depressive. This article sort of speaks to my situation. I will go out of my way to prove to you (and myself) that I am ecstatic! I’m peachy! Everything is fine! And in some circumstances, I’m well into my darkness before I allow myself to acknowledge it.

But I pushed myself away from my desk on Tuesday, feeling bored with my job, and the gym, and my long list of responsibilities, and I knew what was good. I’d gone through the week exhaling apathy over everything. I didn’t care for, nor did I prepare for, Thanksgiving, and all that I’d touched turned to meh (except my mac and cheese).

Friends, I think I wrote this here to tell you this:

1.  It’s possible to feel the darkness when great things are happening.
2.  It’s possible not to “feel” (read: acknowledge) depression because, well, you don’t want to.
   • It will definitely, always catch up with you.
3. In all things, acknowledge your feelings. Not how you think you should feel.
   • Not how you’re supposed to feel. Not how everyone thinks you should feel. Your actual feelings. The real ones.
4.  My mac and cheese is the truth.

Take care of yourselves!