“Love your body and it will love you back,” I said at Yetti’s Certified 10: Back 2 Basics event. I uttered those words on a whim, but with utmost confidence, because I knew them to be true. I talk a good game.
I’d been on go-mode since April. I counted one weekend during which I could rest, and even then I was probably busy, giving away every hour, every dollar, and every ounce of energy I possessed. I was scheduled to finally rest on Thursday.
“Going down?” I asked, beckoning to the men outside the elevator. I needed them to hurry. It was my lunch break and I had a phone call to make.
“You’re on the bottom floor, ma’am,” one said. I looked around past the men.
“Oh,” I pretended to laugh it off. “Mondays,” I said with a wave of my hand. It was Wednesday. I ran.
I scattered from the elevator and speed-walked the 70 feet from my job to a bench outside of my sister’s job, where I sat and called my doctor. I rattled off the symptoms: nausea, dizziness, tingling hands, total body weakness, a little aloofness, and a stabbing pain behind and above my right eye.
“We need you to come to emergency care right away, ma’am.” Her further instructions faded at the onset of a powerful anxiety attack. The rest was a blur. There was a co-worker carrying my things out to me. I’d called her. She attempted to keep me calm. There was my boss, and his boss, too. There was an ambulance with two paramedics, one very quiet with a salt and pepper beard, the other blonde, bubbly, and understanding. There was my sister.
At the hospital, while my sister badgered the nurses for my medication,(and, apparently, took pictures of me) I finally rested. I slept from that afternoon to the next morning. When I awakened around 3:30 AM, feeling slightly weak and nauseous, I had the nerve to give myself three hours to get it together. I had to get back going. I had work to do, a schedule to keep. In the meantime, I caught up on a few writing assignments.
Body said “nah,” though. There was a lesson to be learned and my ambitious mind was gon’ learn that day. I couldn’t stand for very long. I couldn’t even keep water in for more than five minutes. I reluctantly texted a co-worker and my supervisor to let them know I wouldn’t be at work. I wouldn’t be anywhere but in my bed that day, cursing my traitorous body, and when I got strong enough, I would conquer the couch.
I was as productive as possible, reaching around my bed for the things nearest to me. I decided to clean out my work bag because I was going back to work tomorrow, dammit. And there it was, written across the first page of a small notepad, “If you love your body, it will love you back.”
I’ve been running behind my to-do list and my travel agenda and dragging my body behind me. I’ve been giving away all that I’ve got with no concern for my own well being. I haven’t taken the time to care for myself. The thing about this body is that I can’t leave home without it. Be it maintained or mangled, it will always be mine.
Self care is more than a mantra, more than some optimistic blogger’s ideal. It’s taking time-outs for you and only you. It’s saying no, and sometimes hell no, to the tasks that take a toll on you. It’s being intentional about nourishing yourself with nothing less than the best. It’s not giving your all. It’s giving most of what you’ve got to others, but saving the rest and the best for you. You and I can be Superwomen all we want, as long as we fly at a pace with which our minds and bodies can keep up. Be good to yourselves!
I recently went through something of the sort, but not hospital wise. I worked 60hr weeks & turned around & did school work & ran my blog. I was wearing myself thin and I didn’t even realize it til someone said I looked like crap and I wasn’t my normal self. It was then I decided to use some PTO & I literally slept a whole day. Taking that time to yourself is valuable, even if it’s just for a couple of hours you need it. I’m glad you’re alright tho. This world is designed for us to always be on the go to achieve what we want to achieve, sometimes we get too wrapped up in the next step rather than stopping to slow down and cherish the step we’re currently on. Your goals and the destination will always be there bc of your work ethic, make sure you take care of yourself because it’s the most important thing. Great post!
WOW. Where do you even find the time to breathe with a 60 hr work week?Very true what you say about getting wrapped up in the next step. These days we want accessibility, speed, and convenience. We’re on the go while being on the go. Thanks for reading and sharing your insight. And take care, man!
Well, first, I am glad you are OK. Saw those hospital photos and I was like “Wait, hold up.”
This is so true, and I’m sure it speaks to many women, self included. I am only now coming out of my own trench after giving my all way too much to way too many things. There are a lot of revelations I’ve had from the past few weeks, one of them being that as much as I love writing and building TU, that is not rest. It’s not self-care. It’s not “me” time. I was getting that twisted for awhile.
I am proud of you for sharing this and it really resonates with me. Thanks for being the beautiful spirit you are. Xoxo.
It’s easy to do work that you’re passionate about and consider it a “break” or “me time,” simply because it’s what you love to do. Unfortunately, it takes energy all the same. Take it easy (more than) once in a while with something that doesn’t bear the name of your brand, okay? Love you, T.
So glad to hear you’re doing well again.
I think we all want to push ourselves till there’s no more energy, no more will and no more umph but we sometimes have to listen to that little voice that’s reminding us to slow down. Most times it’s called being selfish but that’s the perfect thing to be. I like to have some selfish moments where I can worry about me and focus on me because if I don’t live to care for me, who will?
Take care of you and your work becomes that much easier to handle! Really nice post.
Thank You, Stella 🙂
You’re right, if we don’t care for ourselves, no one else will.