My feelings fluctuate between amusement and annoyance at the responses I get when people find out about my sex life…or lack thereof.
Some people are mourners. “A virgin?” they repeat solemnly. This “they” is usually a male who was, up until this point, interested in “getting to know me better.” In this moment, he hangs his head and performs the Sign of the Cross over his chest as his interest in me flat-lines with a zero percent chance of revival.
Some are outraged. “What!? A virgin!?” They say incredulously. “With a body like that?! Girrrrl you could have a man in a heartbeat!” This “they” is usually a female, my age; a friend who equates what I could have to what I should have.
Some are professors. They got their B.S. in Intercourse and their Master’s in Sexual Relations.
“You know how (insert sexually explicit deed)?” They ask. “Well you don’t know but, (graciously breaks it down for me: how it’s done, how good it is, who the best of the best was, how great he/she does it.)” Their lectures are often accompanied by a pat on my head, a pinch on my cheek, a comment that implies what a precious pupil I am.
Some are coaches: “Get your head in the game, Price! Wind up that arm, pitch a home run!…Run a touchdown!…Throw up a Hail Mary?…Something, do something!” You know the type.
Some are scientists. They hold me at arms length, between their thumbs and their forefingers. They examine. Lets see here, not ugly, nice body, smart, decent personality. They apply the equation: physical + mental = state of being. “Mathematically, If you add the physical disposition (above-average height, formerly overweight, ugly duckling) to the personality (type-A, bookworm, know-it-all, adherent to Christian values)…” They hypothesize, theorize, and conclude: “our research concludes that the subject had no choice in the matter: a virgin, perhaps, by circumstance.”
Some are doctors. They check my vitals. “No sexual activity. Get her hooked up to the monitor, stabilize her and find out why, stat!” They start with a simple diagnosis. To ensure a more conclusive analysis, I must complete a questionnaire. “Answer honestly,” they say, “to the best of your knowledge.”
Are you:
A. a lesbian?
B. asexual?
C. still getting over your ex?
D. lying?
E. “good girl”?
F. saving it for
a. marriage?
b. the right one?
G. serious?
H. seriously serious? Like forreal?
All are irritating. Listen closely, now, because this part is important:
It is my prerogative to do whatever the Bobby Brown I want to do with my body. If I want to wrap it in Saran Wrap and save it for all eternity, that’s on me. It’s not up to anyone else to put a label on my package.
Too often is the phrase, “I do what I want with my body,” reserved for those who elect to engage in sexual intercourse. Not often enough does it occur to people that, hey, virgins (and those who elect to be celibate) are doing what they want with their bodies too. Virgins are not specimens to be scrutinized. Virginity is not a problem to be fixed. Virginity is not a social stigma to be exploited *cough* MTV’s Virgin Territory. Virgins are not trapped by circumstance. Virgins are not barred by Holy Doctrine. If they choose to save themselves for marriage because of their beliefs, that it still their choice.
Your choices are not my business. And by that I don’t mean I shouldn’t know what you do. Between friends and family alike, I know a lot about others’ sexcapades. What I do mean is that it isn’t my business to take care of, be it by judgement, action, or imposition. Your choices aren’t mine to handle and mine are not yours.
You won’t liberate me by showing me a “whole new world.” I’m already free. My not engaging in sex by no means makes me a “good girl,” “a trapped girl,” or “a girl with no choice in the matter.” It makes me a 23 year old who doesn’t engage in sex. It’s my body, I do what I want.
*steps off of soapbox*
Y’all be blessed, now, ya hear?
I’m 22 about to be 23 and I’m still a virgin. When I tell people im a virgin they look at me in awe or disgust like I’ve done something wrong. Like it such a big shock. Finally someone understands my struggles lol
V’s up! Virgins unite! Haha jk. But really though, I do feel you! Trust me, Thanks for commenting!
What a wonderful read! I actually sent a link of this article to my women’s studies teacher because I thought she would find this perspective on “it’s my body, I do what I want” as refreshing as I did. Congratulations on such a great article!
http://thebabydinosaurstomp.wordpress.com
Thank you so much! And thank you for sending my link, I really appreciate it. Don’t be a stranger! 🙂
I love this! I just wrote a similar post entitled the Virgin Social Suicides on how I find it difficult having a social life as many of my colleagues and friends are dating and are “more experienced” than me. Virginity is just as much a social concept as anything else. This is linking to my old economics blog, but my mew blog is http://www.tamelonie-thomas.squarespace.com
Hey so sorry I took such a long time to reply. I read your post. Good read! I agree with you, as it is very difficult to fit into today’s idea of a social life. So I blog. lol jk. I read a few of your posts. I enjoyed “coming out of the feminist closet”. Good stuff!
“Virgins are not specimens to be scrutinized. Virginity is not a problem to be fixed. Virginity is not a social stigma to be exploited *cough* MTV’s Virgin Territory. Virgins are not trapped by circumstance. Virgins are not barred by Holy Doctrine. If they choose to save themselves for marriage because of their beliefs, that it still their choice.”
You had me doing the church wave ALL UP IN THIS! Thank you SO much for writing this! This view is often unheard in mainstream feminism and I am so glad to find this post.
LOL @ “church wave.” YAS! I’m so glad my words mean a little something to you. Thank YOU for reading and sharing!
I absolutely love your blog, I wish this was an post in my younger days. I think this would have helped me through my virgin of shame days lol. I will have to share this with the ladies I do try to help keep the treasure box locked 😉 See you next summer!!
Another great post!!
I’m 23 and a virgin for no real reason other than finding out I’m asexual. Even so, telling potential lovers I’m asexual a usually leaves them running… Believing I’m a cold-hearted droid with absolutely no want of intimacy or experience no matter how hard I try to explain. And that’s not the case AT ALL. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t tell anyone I have an interest in that I’m asexual or a virgin because of that exact reaction. They run before even giving me a chance. And if I never told them, they’d probably never know (until a sexual encounter… Because I’d have to get on BC for the first time and would want to be talked through it if need be). They’d have to know. But I’m talking to someone I REALLY like, and things are going smoothly for once. Wish me luck that we go far and make a wonderful relationship! He seems extremely understanding so I’m hoping for the best down the line. =)
I’ve finally been able to read some of your posts. What a great blog! But more specifically, what a great post this is! I like this perspective on how virginity should be looked at, the fact that virgins are also entitled to do what they want, and most importantly, the idea that it is not a problem to be fixed as most people seem to imply. It really is just a personal choice, and I can relate to this. It’s also beautifully written.