Back 2 Basics: The Impossibility Of It All

 

The question was accompanied by a silent red asterisk, marking it mandatory. “What is your biggest insecurity?” The asterisk was insistent; I could not purchase a ticket without answering the question. Fine. I mulled it over. There were times when I actually wanted to scrap my whole body. Toss it (maybe in front of an 18 wheeler?) and start all over. I’ve discussed it with God, sometimes lamenting, sometimes demanding answers. Why assign this one to me?

I regarded my body, in its entirety, as a traitor. For being an open palette to a man’s unwarranted finger-painting. For sprouting breasts in the fourth grade without consulting me, and for those breasts teaming up with my butt to make their own friends at school. For bouncing, curving, and rolling in a way with which I could never keep up.

For the question’s sake, I decided to focus on one area. I considered each part, from my horse head to my cankles, and decided that the lower half needed the most work. I was clicking submit when it occurred to me:

Aw hell, is this going to be one of those open circles of women who breathe deeply, hold hands and support each other? Is that why I had to answer that question? Should I be worried? Nah. Right? Nah.

It was one of those open circles of women who breathed deeply and supported each other. We did not hold hands.

I come from a family where the women form circles of sass, not emotional sharing. We  don’t speak our feelings, we snap them, and our deep breathing comes with a hefty side  of eye and neck rolling.

So yeah, I was uncomfortable. Incredibly uncomfortable. But, I left that place feeling  like I’d left a day spa: full, free, and deeply relaxed.

There were the big moments, like trying to contain my  swelling pride when I saw Yetti in front of the crowd,  doing her thing. Big moments like getting up and t alking about my insecurities in front of a group of strangely supportive women.

And there were the little moments too. Like releasing balloons at the end of the event. Watching them swirl and shrink to the size of tic-tacs, and swim past the Empire State building, across a field of an almost-too-perfectly-blue sky.

When I think of attending Back 2 Basics, the first (of many!) Certified 10 events, I will always think of the impossibility of it all. How the event almost didn’t happen.  How I, being broke and unemployed at the time I purchased my ticket, almost did not make it. How, in January, YettiSays was just a blog I checked regularly, and how she evolved in to a person with whom I could laugh, a person with whom I could cry, a person with whom I could be candid, and a person of whom I could be so very proud.

I took many things from Back 2 Basics:

• A few tips on self-care and embracing my individuality.
• A reminder from Tyece that the work never ends. Not even on stay-away weekends in NYC.
• A “Fierce Jar” full of candy:) and my first fierce note.
• Three very important notions:
  • It’s not littering if it’s going up.
  • David from Being Mary Jane resembles male genitals.
  • If you love your body, it will love you back.
• And my new favorite work pens (because somehow I ended up with two) 🙂