22 Times: A Birthday Post For My Sister

Legend has it that in the spring of 1993, Mommy went to visit her doctor determined to end her child-bearing years.

“Burn ’em, cut ’em, tie ’em – do what you gotta do,” she said. The doctor looked at her solemnly.

“Ma’am, you’re pregnant,” he said. From that moment on, Sharonia Price has been the definition of anomaly.

The girl with a made-up name is difficult to define. I would know. Happy birthday to the girl who is my mirror reflection: exactly the same, but somehow exactly opposite. Happy birthday to the girl who is equal parts
my mother and my child. Happy birthday to the only girl who could have me tearing up in a Starbucks because there are just so many feels. Happy birthday to the girl who has a personality so fiercely complete that she demands more than mere words to be defined. She demands moments. Your 22nd year is all about trying. So I took a stab at defining you using 22 moments. Happy birthday, BeeBee girl.

 

Sharonia \Shuh-RAH-nuh\ (n.) – the most rebellious of the Price children

1. That time you were the first of our siblings to tell Daddy “No,” flat out. You almost died.
2. That time you sang “There She Goes,” after Mommy went on one of her angry evening tirades. You almost died.
3. That time you got caught smoking a pack of mommy’s cigarettes. You were nine.
4. That time you shrugged and told Mommy, “that didn’t hurt” after a spanking and she came back and made sure it did the second time around.

Sharonia \Shuh-RAH-nuh\ (n.) – a trusting soul, often to the point of gullibility

1. That time you REFUSED to eat the beans because I showed you the neck-bone in the sink and told you that it was a turkey penis.
2. That time after Daddy’s surgery when I told you that he was throwing up out of the hole in his neck and Mommy had to rush him back to the hospital. They had just gone to an early check-up.
3. That time when you were 4 and 5 and Mark and I convinced you that you were Sailor Moon. You screamed “MOON PRISM POWER!” and spun in a circle to transform and ran and hid if Mommy and Daddy would come downstairs and you hadn’t transformed back yet.
4. That time I told you to Krazy-glue your finger to your forehead. And you did. You were 12.
5. “Daddy, whats a c*nt?” Yeah, that time.

Sharonia \Shuh-RAH-nuh\ (n.) – a wildflower with a big eyes, a big head, and an even bigger heart; one who marches to the rhythm of her own off-beat drum. 

1. That time you stuffed tissues Grandma Jean’s casket because you wanted her to take something of yours with her. You reported back to me that, though she was definitely dead, her hands were still soft.
2. Every time you lean in close to me in public and whisper “Stay calm, I farted.”

Sharonia \Shuh-RAH-nuh\ (n.) – a hero; one exhibiting great bravery

1. The day you met me in the bathroom because I was panicking. It was my senior year, your sophomore. My first time
   skipping class, your thousanth. I was going to work on a project for another class, you were going to Chick-Fil-A.
2. When you were in 8th grade in your new school and punched the school bully and became the most popular girl in school.
3. That time I heard a long drawn out, apprehensive “Rooo?” from the bathroom and you emerged with one eyebrow. you cut You endured the 7th grade with one eyebrow for two weeks.

Sharonia \Shuh-RAH-nuh\ (n.) – a partner in crime; a ride or die chick. 

1. Midnight Mission 2011.
2. That time you flew through the air to my rescue when I cursed at Daddy.
3. The day we were dubbed Thelma & Louise after you broke Rena’s glasses and she ran into my fist. In our defense this was the sequence of things:
   • Sharonia: *talks loudly on the bus.*
   • Heather: “Can you stop yelling and being ghetto and snapping your neck? You look like you belong on the short bus.”
   • Sharonia: *snaps neck* “And YOU look like you belong on the fat bus.”
   • Heather: *sobs*
   • Rena:*slaps Sharonia with a glove, knockes her Vera Wang glasses to the floor*
   • Sharonia: “These are worth more than your life!” *slaps Rena’s glasses off. Steps on them*
   • Rena: *attempts to head-butt Sharonia, runs, instead, into my fist.*
4. Our years spent sneaking the forbidden things: from childhood items like gum, soda and Twizzlers, to our graduation to coffee, MySpace, and BET Uncut, to our final stages of Hpnotiq, Bacardi, and Hennessy.
5. The times I can’t write about because literally illegal.

Sharonia \Shuh-RAH-nuh\ (n.) –  a drama. queen.

1. That time in second grade when you packed cans of tuna and chicken noodle soup (and no can opener) in your torn burgundy backpack and declared you were running away.
2. That time you got grounded on your 9th or 10th birthday and you kept playing the part in R. Kelly’s “Step In The Name Of Love”  where he says “I know it’s somebody’s birthday tonight” and sobbing.
3. that time you just so happened to set my hair on fire my freshman year, which just so happenes to be the year daddy cut your hair off and I clipped all the Baldo comics for you and left them on your bed.

 

And, as has been tradition for the past three years, our video. Happy Bee Day: