Today marks one month.
Right now I hurt in a place where no one can reach. They can recognize my pain, but not reach it. They can find it, but can’t fix it. I’m being swirled through a current of darkness, and, at any given moment, I can be reduced to a sack of sobs. Put simply, these days feel pretty bleak.
I’ve set a trap for myself. I’m convinced that everyone is tired of hearing about my grief. I minimized my sadness because others have suffered a greater loss. I’m convinced I don’t want to continue to heal, because the next step is Acceptance, and I’m not ready to swallow a life without Liz.
Like I said on Twitter today, I’ll have the whole Garden of Eden on my soul once I make it through this rain. The most impossible part for me doesn’t lie in thinking that I won’t make it; it’s knowing that I will. That I have to. That there is only one way out: to push and pull and grow through. I don’t have a choice. I wish I had a quick fix. I want to do something, to pull out my wrench and repair myself, without the stupid tool of time.
I feel a challenge in my bones daring me to make more of this moment. Izzy would go get a tattoo, a mark to commemorate her new starting point, a sort of pain for pain type of thing. But I don’t have her guts, and I certainly don’t have her tolerance for pain. So I’m taking these pictures of me right now, marking the place from whence I intend to grow. This nest, made from the straw of loss and unhappiness is my new kind of comfort zone.
In the same way that a sparrow knows it’s molting, and a snake knows to slide out of old skin, I know a change is coming. There is comfort in knowing that this season will soon be solid evidence of all that I can overcome. Someday I’ll be able to look back and say “remember when…” A few months from now I won’t be able to grasp how limited I’ve been. But I’ll always remember and respect this pain.
We’ll be exploring the Comfort Zone THIS SATURDAY (ahh!) on April 22 in person during our Sisterhood Soiree. Join Gabrielle Hickmon of The Reign XY and I as we network in a truly genuine, authentic, cozy environment. Exhuming and Exalting will take place at The Capitol Hill Hotel, 200 C Street Southeast, Washington, DC 20003 on April 22 at 7:00pm. Get tickets here!